claus_profile.jpgWe sometimes get accused of being a bit too nice at Catwalk Queen, so from now on when we think the world of fashion - or Hollywood - needs bringing back down to earth with a big fat reality check, we'll be calling on our new columnist, Claus. Our favourite moment following any big catwalk show or red carpet event is when Claus pops over to our desks to pull apart the looks or share a 'wow' moment, and we thought it was time we shared him with you. His first topic is, of course, Sunday night's Oscars...

Right, enough of the schmoozing, the ooh-ing and the aah-ing. The red carpet at the Oscars was a huge snooze, and I'll tell it like you wish all my fabulous-yet-too-polite ladies had already done!


The fun started with Jennifer Lawrence's arrival on the red carpet. She blamed it on low blood sugar, but I blame it on high blood alcohol (she did say she'd done shots) that she rambled on about mental health patients and finished off with "I'm so hungry!"

The first time watching the clip I heard 'I'm so angry!' but that made even less sense, and I decided to applaud her for fighting the battle against hunger on the red carpet. Also, props to her for falling so graciously. I mean, they could have at least had one dry run in a Dior Couture gown that doesn't literally floor the poor girl, but given that it was the size of a Toyota Prius, you can't really fault her, can you? Maybe only for not storing some minions underneath who could have held the train invisibly.


Let's not get into Seth MacFarlane joke territory, although Anne Hathaway's boobs and their own twitter feed are fair game, no? Speaking of that Prada dress, I have to say I was underwhelmed. Massively. This is the girl who gave us archive Armani Privé and Valentino Couture when she was hosting this little shindig two years back, and experimented with a Tom Ford parachute (above) and a Givenchy Couture piece of fabric - admittedly a quite intricately draped piece of fabric - during the Les Mis promotion run. Now she gave us minimalist pink satin? Big deal. Gwynnie's been there, done that, circa 1999.


Which brings me to two other ladies dressing up as someone else. Even I don't dare trashing Sally Field, but come on, Boxer-Girl-who-I-always-confuse-with-Jennifer-Garner (Hilary Swank - ed), you were one blonde weave away from Rihanna at the Grammys. Photographic proof is above if you need it.


Speaking of weaves, how limp was Kerry Washington's hair? I fell in love with her J.Mendel, and her Giles (Her Giles! Her Giles! pictured above) during the Django Unchained run and even that Miu Miu Globes number (clearly stolen from Carey Mulligan's Great Gatsby wardrobe by the same designer) was nice, but the Oscars coral concoction with some embellishments on the bust was hardly anything to shut the red carpet down.

I will not lose a word about the real sartorial tragedies - I'm looking at you, Brandi Glanvillle - and will give props to Jane Fonda (anyone that age rocking canary yellow Versace deserves my admiration). Naomi Watts (I tried, there is just nothing to fault) and the Marchesa girls who pulled out all the stops dressing Olivia Munn and Fan Bing Bing (easily my favourite of the night) while designer Georgina Chapman was also dressing an 8-month baby bump.


Of course, no Awards ceremony would be complete without the parties. Graydon Carter and Elton John are the hosts with the most stylish attendees and yes, there were indeed some highlights: Jennifer Lawrence was peeled out of those 9 cubic metres of Dior and poured into a slinky metallic Calvin Klein number, much to my delight. Natalie Portman took her turn in a Dior dress that looked suspiciously like Lanvin, Ginnifer Goodwin was a vision in Monique Lhuillier, and Jane Fonda let Solange cut off the sleeves of her dress and wear them.


The downside: everyone else looking pretty at the ceremony changed into something inexplicable (Ms Munn! Ms Watts! Ms Saldana!) Rosamund Pike slipped into a re-run Dior, and someone told Kate Beckinsale at the Burberry show last week that her daughter looked just like her sister. Otherwise there is just no reason for her to be so delusional as to think anyone north of 16 can pull off a tea dress with an embellished firework on it. Just none.


Fingers crossed for next year. I really longed for a 'Zoe Saldana just took my breath away looking like a huge cotton candy' moments, but no one delivered.