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Dear Andre Leon Tally,

Is this what happens when Anna Wintour lets you out on your own? And also, did you not learn from the whole Oscars cropped jacket fiasco that Jennifer Hudson looks better when she's not been dressed by you? We love you, but this? This is bad and wrong.

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Dear Alber Elbaz,

I love you. And Linda Evangelista on your right? I love her too. But I was wondering, did you dress Tilda Swinton, because she's running the risk of looking like she just grabbed her satin bed sheet and wrapped it around herself. Perhaps she misread the invitation and thought it was a toga party but wanted to do it in style? Then again, maybe I'm biased against her? She scared the hell out of me in The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe, and I'm 24. I maintain it's because I read the books as a child and not because I'm still a scaredy cat now, but who knows.

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Dear Kerry Washington and Jane Krakowski,

Kerry, it took me ages (ok, it took me two seconds on IMDB.com) to work out why you were so familiar to me when you first appeared on the Ray publicity trail. You still look fab now, and I love that dress even though it runs the risk of making you look like Lumiere from Beauty & The Beast. Sadly, to me you will always be the teenage mom from Save The Last Dance, shouting at Julia Stiles for stealing your brother and then making up with her by saying something random like 'we cool?'.

Jane, similarly, you will always be Elaine from Ally McBeal. It amazes me that you managed to go through years on the most eating disorder-ridden show on television remaining curvy and beautiful...and now you're wasting away. Gorgeous dress, but please don't drop any more weight.