It's Valentines Day! Time for crappy presents, rubbish cards and teddy bears that just get in the way. So what better way to celebrate than with some beauty goodies....

Celebrate the big day with a really naff perfume in an even naffer limited edition heart shaped bottle from everyone's favourite sex tape star, Paris Hilton (£20 at HQ Hair).

Or treat your man to actor Alan Cumming's namesake fragrance ($69 at Sephora). The jokes are so easy I'm not even going to bother.

Get yourself in the mood with Agent Provocateur's 'Titillation' set (£20 at HQ Hair) . It contains a stimulating nipple balm (!) and a gorgeously scented lip balm (no, not those lips. Get your mind out of the gutter).

And if you happen to be single this year, don't stress! Remind yourself why you don't need a man after all with some aptly named bedhead products. We all know single men are too self-involved and Cocky (£10.70) anyway, and who needs a man when you've got your Girls Toys (£11.30)?!